Friday, February 26, 2010
ALIVE
Here I am at almost 58 still deciding what to do when I grow up. I have had this dream for years that I should live by the sea and write and now I fond myself living three or four blocks from the ocean
Friday, October 30, 2009
A New Lease on Life
It has not been an easy day here in rainy Victoria. The Olympic flame is in town and since we live just a few blocks from the Legislature we have been boxed in with TV crews and security. I have been taking a detour via the coast road every time I leave the house. While pretty and inspiring it is very time consuming.
Then I was off to the dentist for the third time in a week. I had a filling done and now I am in constant pain but we can't figure out which tooth it is. Meantime I am on hefty doses of painkiller that are turning me into a Zombie. Then i rushed hoe to pay the lady who cleans our house and headed back out via the long detour to see my family doctor. because of a slow recovery from a bad bout of pneumonia last year I have been seeing lots of specialists and the cardiologist was sure she had the answer, clogged arteries. Today was teh big day when i would get the results of the CAT Scan of my heart. Amazingly I hit the one in four chance that teh original stress test results had been a false positive, Hurrah! What a relief to hear I did not have carbon deposits clogging my arteries and would not be needing a artery reaming job.
Until i got this news I was not fully aware of how scared shitless I really felt about all this. Though i had put a copy of my Life Insurance on my wife's desk a coupel of days back and had been planning to send her an email with advice how to use the $300,000 check in eth event of my demise. I was also thinking for various tasks, like finding taht missing tax rebate check, that I shoudld undertake before being called in to get my angioplasty done.
I remeber this guy i used to get supervision from twenty plus years ago when I was in grad school and how he looke dreally pasty and had to have this same procedure and how he disappereaed for a whiel to recover. Scary stuff, worse still a friend who has had a couple of heart surgeries told me he wasnt so sure this even works that well in teh long term.
Anyhow here I am witha healthy ticker calling my younger brotehr and telling him he can cancel plans toa ttend my funeral. at leats for a while and making plans to walk a half marathon with hime next year. It feels good beneath teh patina of teh two Tylenol 3s I took an hour or two back that have me falling off my set chair as I write.
I am gla dto be alive and feeling more hopeful tahn i have ina while tooth and all. The girls were more cooperative at bedtiem today though I did yell at onew of them for using a little orvk to "drawer" on teh kitchen table.
Then I was off to the dentist for the third time in a week. I had a filling done and now I am in constant pain but we can't figure out which tooth it is. Meantime I am on hefty doses of painkiller that are turning me into a Zombie. Then i rushed hoe to pay the lady who cleans our house and headed back out via the long detour to see my family doctor. because of a slow recovery from a bad bout of pneumonia last year I have been seeing lots of specialists and the cardiologist was sure she had the answer, clogged arteries. Today was teh big day when i would get the results of the CAT Scan of my heart. Amazingly I hit the one in four chance that teh original stress test results had been a false positive, Hurrah! What a relief to hear I did not have carbon deposits clogging my arteries and would not be needing a artery reaming job.
Until i got this news I was not fully aware of how scared shitless I really felt about all this. Though i had put a copy of my Life Insurance on my wife's desk a coupel of days back and had been planning to send her an email with advice how to use the $300,000 check in eth event of my demise. I was also thinking for various tasks, like finding taht missing tax rebate check, that I shoudld undertake before being called in to get my angioplasty done.
I remeber this guy i used to get supervision from twenty plus years ago when I was in grad school and how he looke dreally pasty and had to have this same procedure and how he disappereaed for a whiel to recover. Scary stuff, worse still a friend who has had a couple of heart surgeries told me he wasnt so sure this even works that well in teh long term.
Anyhow here I am witha healthy ticker calling my younger brotehr and telling him he can cancel plans toa ttend my funeral. at leats for a while and making plans to walk a half marathon with hime next year. It feels good beneath teh patina of teh two Tylenol 3s I took an hour or two back that have me falling off my set chair as I write.
I am gla dto be alive and feeling more hopeful tahn i have ina while tooth and all. The girls were more cooperative at bedtiem today though I did yell at onew of them for using a little orvk to "drawer" on teh kitchen table.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Adventures in living
Today began well, my daughters were on time for school, not an easy thing on a Monday morning. But things went downhill when I went hoem to cook myself soem breakfast. I put soem eggs on to boil and popped upstairs to check my email. An hour or so later I smelt something buring and rushed downstairs to find some very hard boled eggs and a burnt saucepan. Amazingly teh eggs didnt taste too bad and noteing was on fire.
My life seems to ahve been a long odyssey of such incidents. There have been shining victories that leave me feeling on top of teh world, frequently followed by wreting errors, omisiions and distaters that leave me at a loss for how to fix them.
My life seems to ahve been a long odyssey of such incidents. There have been shining victories that leave me feeling on top of teh world, frequently followed by wreting errors, omisiions and distaters that leave me at a loss for how to fix them.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A RAINY DAY
It has not been an easy day here in raint Victoria. The Olympic flame is in town and since we live just afew blocks from the Legislature we have been boxed in with tv crews and security. I have been taking a detour via teh coast road every time I leave teh house. While pretty and inspiring it is very tiem consuming.
THIS MORNING I REALIZED I HAD TO TAKE SERIOUSLY TEH MISSING TAX REABTE CHECK FOR $1700! I looked all over teh various piles of mail in teh house and eventually found teh envelope and check stub, no check however, at least it wasnt teh Federal refund I thought a sthat was teh big one. So I called my accountatnts offcie and fessed up to my loass, ok they said just email the State of Michigan and after going through a bunch of hoops you will get yoru rebate in 3 or 4 montsh time.
Then I was off to the dentist for the third time in a week. I had a filling doen and now I am in constant pain but we can't figure out wheich tooth it is. Meantime I am on hefty doses of painkilelr that are turning me into a Zombie. Then i rushed hoe to pay the lady who cleans our house and headed back out via the long detour to see my family doctor. because of a slow recovery froma bad boyt of ppneumonia last year I have been seeing lots of specialists and teh cardiologist was sure she had teh answer, clogged arteries. Today was teh big day when i would get teh reults of the CAT Scan of my heart. Amazingly I hit the one in four chance that teh original stress test results had been a false psitive, Hurrah! What a relief to hear i did not ahve carbon depoits clogging my arteries and would not be needing a artery reaming job.
Until i got this news I was not fully aware of how scared shitless I really felt about all this. Though i had put a copy of my Life Insurance on my wife's desk a coupel of days back and had been planning to send her an email with advice how to us ethe $300,000 check in eth event of my demise. I was also thinking fo various tasks, liek finding taht missing tax rebate check, that i shoudl undertake before being called in to get my angioplasty done.
I remeber this guy i used to get supervision from twenty plus years ago when I was in grad school and how he looke dreally pasty and had to have this same procedure and how he disappereaed for a whiel to recover. Scary stuff, worse still a friend who has had a couple of heart surgeries told me he wasnt so sure this even works that well in teh long term.
Anyhow here I am witha healthy ticker calling my younger brotehr and telling him he can cancel plans toa ttend my funeral. at leats for a while and making plans to walk a half marathon with hime next year. It feels good beneath teh patina of teh two Tylenol 3s I took an hour or two back that have me falling off my set chair as I write.
THIS MORNING I REALIZED I HAD TO TAKE SERIOUSLY TEH MISSING TAX REABTE CHECK FOR $1700! I looked all over teh various piles of mail in teh house and eventually found teh envelope and check stub, no check however, at least it wasnt teh Federal refund I thought a sthat was teh big one. So I called my accountatnts offcie and fessed up to my loass, ok they said just email the State of Michigan and after going through a bunch of hoops you will get yoru rebate in 3 or 4 montsh time.
Then I was off to the dentist for the third time in a week. I had a filling doen and now I am in constant pain but we can't figure out wheich tooth it is. Meantime I am on hefty doses of painkilelr that are turning me into a Zombie. Then i rushed hoe to pay the lady who cleans our house and headed back out via the long detour to see my family doctor. because of a slow recovery froma bad boyt of ppneumonia last year I have been seeing lots of specialists and teh cardiologist was sure she had teh answer, clogged arteries. Today was teh big day when i would get teh reults of the CAT Scan of my heart. Amazingly I hit the one in four chance that teh original stress test results had been a false psitive, Hurrah! What a relief to hear i did not ahve carbon depoits clogging my arteries and would not be needing a artery reaming job.
Until i got this news I was not fully aware of how scared shitless I really felt about all this. Though i had put a copy of my Life Insurance on my wife's desk a coupel of days back and had been planning to send her an email with advice how to us ethe $300,000 check in eth event of my demise. I was also thinking fo various tasks, liek finding taht missing tax rebate check, that i shoudl undertake before being called in to get my angioplasty done.
I remeber this guy i used to get supervision from twenty plus years ago when I was in grad school and how he looke dreally pasty and had to have this same procedure and how he disappereaed for a whiel to recover. Scary stuff, worse still a friend who has had a couple of heart surgeries told me he wasnt so sure this even works that well in teh long term.
Anyhow here I am witha healthy ticker calling my younger brotehr and telling him he can cancel plans toa ttend my funeral. at leats for a while and making plans to walk a half marathon with hime next year. It feels good beneath teh patina of teh two Tylenol 3s I took an hour or two back that have me falling off my set chair as I write.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Introduction to a Disordered Life
I have been thinking about writing an autobiography for a while now. A recent work visa problem has given me some unplanned time so i am trying out this blog as a way to experiment with writing about my life with NLD.
I was in my early 50s when I was diagnosed with NLD and had suspected I might have ADHD so it was quite a suprise. My verbal IQ was very high and my performance IQ lagged behind by over 30 points. Quite dramatic according to my neuropsychologist.
I now have better perspective to look back over my life with. For example there are the old Super 8 silent movies my dad made in teh 1960s when I was around 12 or 13 years old. The ones of my three brotehrs and I running through a field of grass. I look cheerful enough as I run along but keep stumbling as though I cannot keep my balance. Then there is my mother's attitude to me, she clearly expected me to fail in life, on her deathbed she apparently told my dad they had been lucky I had turned out so well!
Finally there is the self doubt and at times self loathing i have lived with for most of my life and my constant need to rehash recent social blundersw and beat myself up over them. This has actiually improved significantly over the decades, but a work call this morning in which I started complaining about the behavior of a colleague towards me, is an example of my shooting myself in teh foot by my overdirect and too honest feedback.
I was in my early 50s when I was diagnosed with NLD and had suspected I might have ADHD so it was quite a suprise. My verbal IQ was very high and my performance IQ lagged behind by over 30 points. Quite dramatic according to my neuropsychologist.
I now have better perspective to look back over my life with. For example there are the old Super 8 silent movies my dad made in teh 1960s when I was around 12 or 13 years old. The ones of my three brotehrs and I running through a field of grass. I look cheerful enough as I run along but keep stumbling as though I cannot keep my balance. Then there is my mother's attitude to me, she clearly expected me to fail in life, on her deathbed she apparently told my dad they had been lucky I had turned out so well!
Finally there is the self doubt and at times self loathing i have lived with for most of my life and my constant need to rehash recent social blundersw and beat myself up over them. This has actiually improved significantly over the decades, but a work call this morning in which I started complaining about the behavior of a colleague towards me, is an example of my shooting myself in teh foot by my overdirect and too honest feedback.
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